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Copyright N° 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT 



The House of Rest 



UNIVERSAL 
NEURASTHENIA 

or The House of Rest 

BY 

MARGARET DOANE GARDINER 




ROBERT GRIER COOKE, Inc. 

NEW YORK MCMVII 



Copyright 1907, by 

ROBERT GRIER COOKE, INC. 

All Rights Rewrved 






Jl)l 2i \90T j 

Cenyrfjrhi Ebfay ; 

S 11 . '5°7i 
»IASS cc- XXc, No. ' 

/s 2.95-7 



TMP92-009276 



TO MY SISTER 

M. S. F. 



Universal Neurasthenia 

OR 

THE HOUSE OF REST 

DRAMATIS PERSON AE 

Elizabeth (escaped from the German Garden). 
Milicent (sprung from the House of Mirth). 
Juliette (run away from Bernard Shaw). 
Ton}) (too hard for Harding Davis). 
Mark Stone (a wielder of Edged Tools in the 

Jungle) . 
Etheldred Ranisty (one of Mrs. Humphrey's 

Wards — come of age.) 
Dr. Wheat-1-Eat (Return to Nature!) 



Scene — a garden. Sign on tree, — House of 
Rest, Dr. Wheat-I-Eat. 

(Enter Dr. W., right, carrying let- 
ters, a target, pistol, book, basket of 
stockings, trowel and weed basket. Sets 
target stage left at back, lays pistol 
on ground near it, sets basket on 
steamer chair left centre, front, lays 
trowel and weed basket right front 
beside flower bed, muttering.) 



Dr. W. — "Plenty of fresh air — nothing like 
fresh air for exhausted nerves! Don't wonder 
they are exhausted! Simply worked to death, 
harping on one string. Great mercy the public 
got nervous prostration too from reading about 
them; gives the poor creatures a chance to relax! 
Whole world forbidden to read novels! Great, 
great! And these poor overdone types returning 
to nature! Well, well, it's a great work." 



(Enter Elizabeth, left, languidly, caressing a 
fern.) "Good morning, Miss Elizabeth! Tut- 
tut, no ferns allowed you know. Put it down!" 

Eliz. — "Ah, not to be trampled by the heavy 
foot of the Man of Wrath!" 

Dr. W. — "Man of Wrath! So you've had 
that nightmare again?" 

Eliz. — "Yes, oh yes. I was again the aspiring, 
gasping wife of the great oppressor. The dream 
haunts me, and my beloved flowers were no 
comfort last night. The pansies laughed at me." 
(Weeps.) 

Dr. W. — "Dear me, — a very obstinate case! 
My dear Miss Elizabeth, you really must not give 
way so. I think the course of treatment that I 
have prepared for you this morning will be very 
bracing to these morbid nerves." 

Eliz. — "You hurt me when you call it nerves. 
I know that those, who tore me from my vegetable 
affinities and sent me here, called it so; but to 
me my disease seems but an over-expansion of the 
soul." 

Dr. W. — "Well, well, as you please, my dear, 
but we must certainly try to shrink your soul then. 
You will take this pistol and aim it at that target. 
Let it be your ambition to hit the bull's eye." 

Eliz. — "You wish me to point this thing at that 
thing? What will happen?" 

Dr. W . — "Nothing, if you merely take aim, 
but my idea broadens from 
that preliminary effort to the 
more effective actions. You 
will raise this hammer. Then, 
— without closing your eyes, 
— you will pull this trigger 
towards you." 

£/; z .— "Will it make a 
noise? My spirit abhors an 




uproar 



Dr. W . — "The noise will 
be slight, — the danger nil, as 



M 41 M 

the pistol will be loaded only with this rubber- 
tipped arrow, which after hitting the target must 
be retrieved and placed in the pistol. Excellent, 
bracing, and absorbing occupation for your 
morning hours. (Sternly.) You will kindly not 
distract yourself by noticing natural objects. But 
for the beneficial effects of fresh air, I should not 
let you do this in the garden at all. Put your 
eye on the bull's eye, and keep it there." 

Eliz. (her hand to her head) — "Yes, yes, I 
will endeavor to starve my heart and constrain my 
soaring soul to this mechanical exercise. But 
first let me study my weapon. (Enter, right, 
Milicent) Ah, Milicent, good morning." 
(Returns to pistol.) 

Dr. W.— "Good day, Miss Milicent." 

Mili. — "Four thousand dollars to Mme. 
Greene, and the quarter's allowance will only be 
a thousand! O Dr. Wheat-I-Eat, if you would 
only set up a casino here, a roulette wheel, 
'petits chevaux,' something amusing and at the 
same time useful, I might make enough money 
that way to pay my debts. I should stop at 
nothing." 

Dr. W . — "Now, my dear young lady, I want 
to hear no more of debts or gambling. You were 
sent here to forget the Smart Set." 

Mili. — "I cannot!" 

Eliz. — "Dear Milicent, you would be so happy 
if you would let your geologic, botanic soul reach 
out to the humanity of the stones and plants." 

Mili — "If there were anything to be gained — " 

Eliz. — "Peace, joy, content." 

Mili. — "How dingy!" 

Dr. W . — "I hope you slept well?" 

Mili — "No. When I was Dummy I had to 
make it spades, no one doubled, and the deal 
passed on, so I got no sleep." 

Dr. W. — "Dear, dear, — the old bridge halluci- 
nation! (To Eliz.) Happily there are no cards 
in the house. (To Mili.) Now, Miss Milicent, 



I must ask you to turn your attention to this bed. 
It is full of weeds, which the gardener has most 
thoughtfully sowed there for you to dig out. Here 
is a trowel to help you with the most obstinate 
ones, but in general they are pulled up with the 
fingers, so. That will occupy you till lunch." 

Eliz. (running across to Dr. W.) — "Oh, let me 

do it! Dear soil of my heart! Precious weeds!" 

Mili — *7 cannot consent to do such work." 

Dr. W. — "Madame, you are under my orders! 

Miss Elizabeth, kindly continue your study of that 

pistol! Miss Milicent, will you remove your 

gloves? I wish you would dress more suitably!" 

Mili. — "Sir, I cannot breathe without gloves, 

and if for the sake of my health, I condescend to 

do this menial task, I shall do it gloved. As to 

my clothes, — mere last year's rags, — if I were not 

dressed as I am, I might be mistaken for a mere 

human being such as I have been brought up to 

despise, (takes trowel.) I shall break my back, 

however, at this game. Kindly get me a chair." 

Dr. W. — "I expect you 
to kneel or squat while 
you weed." 

Mili.— "Kneel! Squat! 
Well, — the attitude may 
be effective! I will try 
it." (Kneels, takes trowel, 
and delicately pulls up one 
small weed. Enter Juliette, 
right.) 

Dr. W.— "Ah, Miss 
Juliette!" 

Juliette (with a bewitching smile) — "Dear 
doctor, (looks about her, nodding to the other 
two) I saw from the hall window what looked 
like — a man — who was it?" 

Dr. W. (severely) — "Probably Jeremiah, the 
gardener." 

Juli. — "I think I will walk about the garden 
a little." 




10 



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Dr. W . — "I refuse to allow it I have most 
carefully considered your needs, and have decided 
that you shall spend this morning in learning some 
parts of Herbert Spencer's philosophical works. 
Here are the places marked." 

Juli. (pleadingly) — "Ah, not just yet, dear 
doctor." (Long, tender look.) 

Dr. W. — "Now — at once — here." (Places 
her on low stool front stage right centre. (Juli. 
takes book, and sits dreamily.) 

(Enter Tony, right, with golf sticks. 
Slaps Juli. on back.) 

Juli. (turning) — "Ah, Tony, was it you 
whistling this morning? I thought at first it was 
a m — " 

Dr. W. (interrupting) — "Miss Juliette, you 
are not to mention the word 'man' again this 
morning." 

Juli. (saucily) — "Dear man!" 

Dr. W . — "Grr — ! You need keeping in order, 
young woman!" 

Tony. — "Doctor, I shall go mad if I am not 

allowed to do something. Let me go round the 

links this morning. Gad, you know, old fellow, 

it wont do. I can't let myself get soft this way." 

(Dr. W. takes away the golf sticks 

and puts them at back.) 

Mill — "Your lack of refinement, Tony, is 
impossible, considering your lack of funds. You'll 
get no one that is any one to marry you, if you 
will be so outree." 

Tony. — Rot, Millie! Ye gods and little fishes, 
you're painted again." 

MM. (haughtily) — "If you suppose J want a 
nose freckled like yours, you are mistaken. One 
must keep one's complexion white somehow in this 
sun." 

Eliz. — "Yet the flowers let the sun choose their 
colors. Surely we ought also to trust him. Let 
me see — the cat tail bids the negro be content; 
the sunflower leads the Chinaman to his golden 

11 



SB- 



tint; the Indian sees the deep hue of the sweet- 
william and turns his red visage sunward. What 
can we daisies ask better than that he should edge 
our petals with pink?" 

Tony. — "You're stung, Millie, you'll get no 
pink tips to your petals under all that whitewash." 

Mill — "I need — and will yet get — tips of 
another sort, — no matter how. And I assure you 
I need whitewashing." 

Dr. W . — "Miss Tony, this chair has been pre- 
pared for you." 

Tony. — "That — sofa! Me — on a lounging 
thing — never!" (Stamps her foot.) 

Dr. W . — "You will do as I tell you, if you 
please, while you are in my establishment." 

Tony (after pause) — "Right you are! That's 
only fair. You're the captain. Now then fellows ! 
Dive and tackle low!" (Vaults into steamer 
chair.) 

Dr. W. (sighing) — "You will please stay 
there now, and darn these stockings as neatly as 
you can." (Places them in her lap.) 

Tony. — "The deuce! This is no cinch, I can't 
darn, — oh hang it, you're chaffing me." (Gives 
back basket.) 

Juli — "I don't know why you should make 
such a fuss, Tony. We are none of us doing what 
we like." 

Eliz. (plaintively) — "Hardly." 

Mill — "Nor what we do well, I assure you." 
(Delicately dusts glove.) 

Tony. — "True. Well, give me the darn 
things." (Laughs and rolls up her sleeves.) 

Dr. W. — "Now we are settled. Now I can 
read my mail." 

Tony (watching Eliz.) — "For the love of 
Mike, Liz, can't you aim straight?" 

Dr. W. (turning her chair) — "Keep your eyes 
away from that target, Miss Antonia." (Returns 
to his mail.) 

Tony (after a moment) — "Golly Millie, you 

12 



-* 



just broke the head off that one, never got the root 
at all. Pull harder." 

Dr. W. (turning her front-face) — "Will you 
keep your eyes on your sewing, Miss Tony?" 

Tony. — "You-bet-cher life I will, old boy, if 
Liz' 11 shoot straight, and Millie' 11 pull a bit harder." 

Mili — "I will Tony. Let me alone." (Dr. 
W. returns to his mail. Mili. takes "Elwell on 
Bridge" and a pack of cards out of her parasol, 
and lays out test hands on grass, while Dr. W, 
reads scraps aloud unconsciously.) 

Dr. W. — "What's his name, now? (Reads.) 
'Etheldred Ranisty.' Coming to-day — hm — and 
his case! (Juliette has pricked up her ears.) 
(Reads.) 'My symptoms are of an abstruse and 
complicated nature. My mind is a tremendous 
and insatiable minotaur, which I have nourished 
upon the souls of men and women. A philosophic 
stream of profound thought and psychic emotion 
was poured unceasingly into my soul. Yet I 
starved! Women, upon whose tremulous loving 
hearts I played, palled on my imagination. Men 
whose inmost secrets thrilled me for a time, as 
I drew them out by my hypnotic eye, at last 
ceased to awaken in me the same ghastly grandeur 
as of yore. I sought greater emotions and deeper 
thoughts, and for a while lost my inertia among the 
teeming city slums. But even that fails now to 
hold my interest, my own strange inner rumblings 
of volcanic power absorb me. My eyes are bent 
inward, and the doctors tell me that my reason 
totters — ' Hm — hm — very interesting case! 
(Reads.) 'Philanthropic efforts — self-analysis 
become a mania — the world is full of tongues — ' 
Seven page tongue Mr. Ranisty has!" 

(During the latter part of this 
discourse Eliz. also pays attention. 
Tony stretches herself. Mili. plays cards. ) 

Dr. W. (looking at Juli., who hastily buries 
herself in book) — "I fear I was reading aloud — " 
(Mili. throws her skirt over the cards.) 

is 



•M 



Juli. (abstractedly reading) — "It has been truly 
remarked that in order of precedence decoration 
precedes dress." — "The wearing of ear-rings, 
finger-rings, bracelets, the elaborate dressing of the 
hair, the still occasional use of paint — " (Glances 
at Mili.) 

Dr. IV. (looking over her shoulder) — "Those 
are not marked passages, Miss Juliette." 

Juli. — "Ah — no? No, so they aren't. I am 
so sorry. (Reads.) The general problem 
which comprehends every special problem is — the 
right ruling of conduct in all directions under all 
circumstances.' The truth that the production 
of animal heat — ' Oh I can't learn this. It's 
all about the fattening of CATTLE." 

Eliz. (softly) — "In the feminine border where 
the proud gladiola (looks at Mili.) stands so 
stiffly, where the red rose (Juli.) has glowed so 
warmly, and the field daisy (Tony) has raised 
her saucy head, and where (modestly) the 
heliotrope has filled the air with poetic odors, a 
tulip is about to spring up, bold and manly." (Dr. 
W. has been running distractedly through the seven 
or eight sheets of the letter.) 

Dr. W. — "Ah, a telegram! Let me see! 
(Reads.) 'Neurasthenia, too much big game 
shooting. Arrive twelve thirty, — Mark Stone.' — 
Brief and startling. Well, well, I must make 
arrangements." (Tony shows excitement. Exit 
Dr. W., left. Juliette drops book and springs 
up.) 

Eliz. — "Two tulips!" 

Juli. — "Two men, Elizabeth." (Catches Eliza- 
beth round the waist and waltzes.) 

Eliz. — "Oh, Juliette, let me go! Why must 
you whirl with the turning spheres because man, the 
tyrant, invades our garden?" 

Mili. (contemptuously) — "Because Juliette is 
an unbalanced compass needle. She turns, not 
only to the north, but to all the other points." 
Juli. (crossing to her and shaking her gently) — 



ii 



-sa 



"Well, don't you care that we are to have two men 
to play with?" 

Mili. (rising) — "I see no reason for getting 
excited. Men, to my mind, are not toys, but 
bread and butter machines — " 

Juli. — "You — bread and butter — " 

Mill, (laughing) — "Well, clothes-and-jewels- 
machines then. And these men don't sound 
promising." 

Tony, (to Eliz.) — "Do you suppose he's been 
in Africa or Asia? In the deserts do you think?" 

Eliz. (dreamily) — "In the deserts of the hearts 
of men, dry, arid, parched, — seeking the green 
oasis of some kindred soul. I feel, I feel that I — " 

Tony, (interrupting) — "Oh fudge! I mean 
Mark Stone. He must have had a bully time. 
Golly, I wish I was a man! But I'll make him 
tell me!" 

Juli. (to Tony) — "You talk as if one could 
get things out of a man with a club." 

Tony. — "Perhaps not with a club, but with a 
six shooter, — you bet!" 

Juli. — "Not at all, my dear. The only way 
is to roll your eyes at them, and the sooner you 
learn it, the better for you." (Juli. looks 
languishingly into space.) 

Tony, (imitating her) — "So?" 

Juli. (indignantly) — "I never looked like that 
in my life. But any woman who wants to, can 
win any man." 

Mill — "It is such a waste of energy to quarrel, 
girls. The real root of the matter is that any 
woman can come near to winning any man; — 
and fail.'* 

Eliz. — "He comes — ah-h — " 

(Enter Dr. W. with Ranisty, left.) 
(Eliz. gazes at Ranisty. Juliette 
gives him one look, and then coyly 
buries herself in her book. Tony 
barely glances at him. Mili. eyes him 
carefully.) 

15 



Dr. W. — "Ladies, may I present our new 
inmate, Mr. Etheldred Ranisty." (In dumb 
show Dr. W. presents R., leading him across from 
one to the other, while Mili. and Eliz. speak.) 

Mili — "What a tie! I sha'nt even ante, let 
alone betting. He's not worth my while." 

Eliz. (aside) — "Not tulip, — monkshood." 

Dr. W. — "And Miss Milicent, Mr. Ranisty." 

Mili. (haughtily) — "How do you do ! " (Turns 
back to weeding. Juli. moves toward him, and is 
about to speak. Elizabeth rushes to Ranisty's side. ) 

Eliz. — "You also have learned that the deeper 
claims of the soul sap the bodily strength. How 
bitter it is to find the trunk too weak to bear the 
branches. And yet we would not leaf less 
abundantly." 

Ranisty. — "No, ah — hm — no." 

Dr. W . (leading R. away in front of Juli. and 
Eliz.) — "I must leave you for a short time to the 
care of these ladies, Mr. Ranisty, while I consider 
your case, and ahem — er — " (Eliz. follows R. 
to stage left front.) 

Mili. — "Run the first rough survey of his road 
back to nature." (Exit Dr. W. left, chuckling. 
Mili. returns to her cards, Juli. stands by her trying 
to interest her in the man. She tries to interest 
Juli. in the game.) 

Ranisty (to Eliz.) — "Our excellent, but too 
practical, friend the doctor here seems persuaded 
that all profound analysis leads to morbidity, and 
eventually to insanity. I contended that analysis 
conducted on a broad enough basis and in a wide 
field had nothing in common with mere narrow self- 
analysis." 

Eliz. — "Surely he admitted that." 

Ranisty. — "He denied me the wide field, 
insisted that my only real interest was myself. That 
may be so. But no man, having the herculean 
mind and titanic nature of which I know myself to 
be possessed, can be called narrow, if he dwells 
upon the possibilities of such a self." 



16 






Tony, (staringat him) — "Mad,by gosh!" 

Eliz. — "Tell me more. All my roots are 
drinking in and absorbing your words." 

Ranisty. — "I find that women are 
always held spellbound when I even begin 
to unveil my personality. I do not blame 
them. To me it is an absorbing study." 
(Sees Tony feeling her biceps.) "What is 
she doing?" 

Eliz. (carelessly) — "Oh, her muscles are very 
hard. You recall Browning's immortal words, — 
'I am made up of an intensest life, 
Of a most clear idea of consciousness 
Of self, distinct from all its qualities, 
From all affections, passions, feelings, powers; — 

Ranisty. — "Ah — hm — yes, — but / like to do 
the talking." 

Eliz. (not hearing him) — 
1 'But linked in me to self-supremacy. 

Existing as a centre of all things — * *' 

Ranisty — "Yes, — ah — yes. (To Tony.) How 
did your muscles become hard?" 

Tony, (casually) — "Golf." 

Juli. — "You don't play, I am sure, Mr. 
Ranisty." 

Ranisty. — "Play! / play, when we have, so 
far as is yet proved, only one earthly life in which 
to watch ourselves develop!" 

Eliz. — "It is so wonderful to find some one — " 

Juli (interrupting) — "Would you care to tell 
me what has brought you here? To me the fact 
that you are a man and the only one here, is so 
deeply interesting. I should like to know why. 
Do talk to me about it." (Eliz. crosses to Mili. 
who laughs contemptuously at her troubles.) 

Ranisty. — "Certainly, I only ask to have an 
opportunity to discourse to an attentive and 
discriminating woman. What else have I 
demanded of life?" (Eyes on Tony.) 

Eliz. (to Mili.) — "Juliette is so indelicate in 
her ways! But what congeniality can there be 

17 




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between the rose and the grave, sad aconite! 
(Going out.) Whereas with the heliotrope — " 
(Exit right.) 

Juli. — "You were saying — ?" 

Ranisty.— "What is golf?" 

Juli. — "A hoydenish game, Mr. Ranisty." 

Mili. — "Requiring less skill than the gentle 
game of man-snatching.' * (Juli. gives her an angry 
look.) 

Juli. — "Mr. Ranisty, when you found your 
footsteps turned toward the House of Rest, had 
you no premonition of what you would find here?" 

Ranisty (gazing at Tony) — "None. I thought 
I had plumbed all the depths of consciousness. 
But this is something new, — new and untried." 

Juli. (tenderly) — "Yes? But not unwanted or 
unwelcome — ?" 

Ranisty (eyes on Tony, who is balancing a 
feather on her nose) — "I hardly know as yet. If 
I could only speak — " 

Juli. — "Alone! Yes. I think I will go for 
a little walk in the gooseberry garden." (Gives 
him a long look, and exit slowly left, turning once 
more to look at him.) 

Mili. — "Her methods are feline! And she 
has no style." 

Ranisty (going eagerly to Tony's chair) — 
"Miss Antonia, pray explain to me your theories 
of bodily perfection. I do not feel that I fully 
comprehend the hardening of muscles." (Enter 
Dr. W. and goes to Mili., who hides her cards 
under cushions on garden bench.) 

Ton}). — "I should smile!" 

Ranisty. — "You will not refuse to enlighten my 
ignorance! I am always seeking deeper chords 
in my own being, and you stir a new one." 

Ton}). — "Oh rot. Do shut up!" 

(In dumb show R. goes on talking, 
Tony snubbing him.) 

Dr. W. — "Poor fellow — mind very much 
affected. What do you think of him?" 

18 



Mili — "Frightfully dingy!" 

Dr. W. — "Well, you see, he has been living 
in the slums for some time. Philanthropy!" 

Mili — "It's really no longer smart — that sort 
of thing. The fad for it's going out." 

Dr. W . — "But he has so much money (Mili. 
starts) that he can't get rid of his whole income, 
even by injudicious charity, let alone modern 
philanthropy." 

Mili (guardedly) — "How much do you sup- 
pose he has, poor fellow?" 

Dr. W. — "Oh, several millions — ' (Going.) 

Mili. (with a cry of joy) 
— "Several million!" 

Dr. W . (suspiciously, 
returning) — "P e r h a p s I 
should not have mentioned it." 

Mili (on guard again) — 
"Oh, I sha'nt speak of it, of 
course. (Exit Wheat-I-Eat. ) 
Several million! (Flings her 
trowel from her and crosses 
to Ranis ty who is just leaving 
Tony in despair.) Mr. 
Ranisty, has Tony been boring you with her 
extreme ideas? You must'nt let her. Do tell 
me something about town. I've been away so 
long." 

Ranisty (glancing at Tony) — "I had rather 
you would tell me something about my fellow- 
patients." 

Mili. — "I shall be charmed to. Juliette — you 
know of course who she is — is taking a long rest 
here while some poor playwright tries to dramatize 
Bernard Shaw's plays. — I wish him joy of it!" 

Ranisty. — "And Miss " 

Mili — "Elizabeth is a half-cooked philosopher, 
— a sort of jam that didn't jell. We still expect 
to see her take more solid form." 

Ranisty. — "Quite so. But Miss " 

Mili — "Myself? Oh, I'm a diamond that's 




19 



~ M $ & 



been too much cut and polished, if such a thing 
is possible. They're hoping I'll get back into the 
rough." 

Ranisty. — "But Miss Antonia " 

Mili (impatiently) — "Oh, Tony! Tony is a 
tomboy. When she leaves here, no doubt she will 
be the essence of femininity." 

Ranisty — "I have had large experience of 
women of the most complicated kinds, and Miss 
Antonia's simplicity seems to me " 

Mili (impatiently) — "Oh, simplicity! She's 
very bad form, and her clothes are dowdy." 

Ranisty. — "Clothes? What superficiality! 
Yet one of our modern philosophers says — 'Since 
that day when Adam and Eve discovered their 
lamentable lack of clothing, the subject of dress 
has been of perennial interest to the human race,' — 
only however as an introduction to the statement 
that *the body is the dress of the soul,' and the 
further profound observation that 'the soul secretes 
the body as the crustacean secretes its shell.* ' 

Mili. — "How disgusting!" (Aside.) "Pshaw, 
that was one of my impulsive mistakes in policy, — 
I must be fascinating and witty. (Aloud) "To 
us Americans dress is a philosophy of itself." 

Ranisty. — "Ah, you are an American? Do 
you care for England as a place of residence?" 

Mili. — "A poor exchange, don't you think — the 
land of the free, for the land of the fee? (Aside) 
Witty but unwise! (Aloud) But the breeding and 
cultivation and luxury of England — " 

(Juliette has entered left, and breaks 

in.) 

Juli. (reproachfully) — "/ went to the goose- 
berry garden." 

Ranisty. — "Oh yes, did you?" 

Juli. — "You should have seen how lovely — " 

Mili. — "Really, Juliette, you must not interrupt 
us. Mr. Ranisty and I are having a brilliant 
conversation." 

Juli. — "You think it's taking to be witty, I 

20 



•« 



suppose. But you don't seem to have succeeded 
very well." (Ranisty is gazing absorbed at Tony.) 
(Enter Elizabeth and goes to Ranisty.) 

Eliz. — "My monkshood!" 

Ranisty (surprised) — "I beg your pardon!" 

Eliz. — "You need not. Hardly any one ever 
understands me. But I hoped you would." 

Ranisty. — "I assure you I don't." 

Juli. — "Elizabeth, I hear you dreamed about 
the Man of Wrath last night again. I should 
think you would avoid the sex in future." 

Mill. — "Really, Juliette, considering that your 
experience with that Tanner brute has taught you 
nothing, how can you expect — " 

Ranisty (escaping to Tony.) — "Good heavens, 
I used to crave admiration, adulation, but now — !" 

Tony. — "Pick up that 
spool, will you? Oh, get 
a move on!" 

Ranisty (meekly) — 
"Certainly, if you will 
give me one." 

Tony. — "Give you? 
Ye gods — the man's 
half-witted." 

Ranisty. — "I have 
certainly discovered a 
void in my cerebellum." 

Tony. — "Will you 
go! I'm sick of the sight of you, — and it's my 
role to be frank — " 

Ranisty. — "To call a spade a spade — " 

Tony. — "No, to call it a damn shovel. Will you 
go!!" (Exit Ranisty with one appealing glance. ) 

Mili. — "Que diable, Tony, you grow worse 

and worse!" 

Juli. — "If / were a man, Tony, I should shake 
»» 
you. 

Tony. — "You couldn't, Juli., you're not strong 

enough." (Pushes her away, hurting J.'s arm.) 

Eliz. — "To think that when one eager soul 




31 



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bridges the empty skies, he — perverse planet — 
should reach out toward other suns! (Weeps.) 
(During this Mili. has remonstrated with Tony, 
who sticks out her tongue.) 

Mili. — "Really, Tony, your under-breeding 



Tony. — "Say it — 'dingy!' (throws stockings 
and work bag on the ground and leaps up) Golly, 
but I'm bored! Mark Stone ought to be arriving! 
(Runs off, turns as she goes to say) Cheese it! 
Here's old Wheat-I-Eat!" 

(Enter Dr. W. right, wheeling a 
wheelbarrow piled high with packages 
of wheat-I-eat and four tin pails. Tony 
slaps him on the back and vanishes.) 
Dr. W. (looking after her, and leaving 
the wheelbarrow) — 
"Goodness gracious, 
well, well! All of you 
idle, all excited, and 
arguing, — I may say, 
quarrelling. Miss 
Elizabeth, you will go 
into the gymnasium at 
once and do dumb bell 
exercises for an hour till 
lunch." 

Eliz.— "Oh, I beg 
of you!" (resists, but exit left.) 

Dr. IV. — "Miss Juliette you will go to the 
Home for Aged and Infirm Females and read to 
the inmates till lunch." 
Juli. — "Oh, not now." 

Dr. IV. — "Immediately. (Exit Juli. right.) 
As to you, Miss Milicent, you will go and milk 
the cows and feed the chickens at once." 
Milu—'ir 

Dr. Jf.— "Go." (Exit Mili. right.) 
Dr. W. (going to his place of entrance, and 
wheeling wheelbarrow across to extreme left front, 
then setting pails around on ground) — "Nothing 




i l '-i» i i i \ i h i j H i wiiii 



-* 



like food in the open air! Let me see, Miss 
Milicent's pail, — so, so, so — (sniffing last pail) 
Wheat-I-Eat breakfast food, well cooked and 
allowed to cool." (Exit right as Tony and Stone 
enter left.) 

(Stone, hung with guns and 
adorned with a pith helmet stalks in 
silently. Tony is talking as she comes 
in.) 

Tony. — "Were you in Africa? Have you 
been in Uganda? Have you shot lions, — tigers? 
Do tell me! I'm crazy about sport. I say, where 
have you been, anyhow." (Stone is laying down 
gun cases.) 

Stone. — "Central Asia." 

Tony. — "Peter! Were there 
elephants? Have you been in the 
forbidden city? Did they try to 
assassinate you?" 

Stone. — "Yes." 

Tony. — "How? For the love of 
Mike, tell a fellow, wont you?" ( 
(Juliette has entered at back left 
of stage and watches, Mili. enters 
right back of stage and watches 
Juli.) 

Stone. — "Dark night, — small bare room, — saw 
shadow on white wall, — jumped twenty feet aside, 
— knife missed me." 

Tony.- — "And what became of the man?" 

Stone. — "Dead." (Stands with arms folded.) 

Tony. — "How? I want to hear all about it. 
How did you do it?" 

Stone. — "Choked him." 

Tony (despairingly) — "Don't be such a clam! 
I say you know, it's not decent not to tell what 
you've done." 

Stone. — "But it's Anglo Saxon." 

Juli. (moves forward and catches her dress 
purposely on the target.) "Oh-h my dress! Oh, 
please help me. (Stone stoically unhitches dress, 

23 




— Tony grinds her teeth and stands glaring at 
Juli.) Ah, thank you. How strong your hands 
are! Are you Mr. Stone? The Doctor told us 
you were coming." 

Tony. — "Where did you drop from, Juli.? 
Get out! <t Do!!" 

Juli — "Dear Tony, how mending does affect 
your temper! Mr. Stone, wouldn't you like to 
come for a walk in the gooseberry garden?" 

Stone. — "No." (Makes for exit right, Mili. 
hides.) 

Tony, (pursuing) — "Say, Mark, old fellow, 
don't go. Come and have a game of tennis, wont 
you?" (Exit.) 

Juli (following leisurely) — "This seems to me 
more possible than the other. How badly Tony 
does handle him! / must just try — " (Exit.) 

Mili. (coming forward) — "Ha! Juliette cuts 
out! She prefers Mr. Stone. So much the better 
for you, my dear. I am utterly unscrupulous. 
Tony wont look at Ranisty. Remains Elizabeth 
to deal with. (Takes bottle of poison out of 
parasol and examines pails.) "No, — Juliette's, 
Tony's, — ah, here is Elizabeth's. 'Rough on 
Rats.* I wonder how much I need. 'Tasteless, — 
a teaspoonful will kill the healthiest rat.' Eliza- 
beth is not very healthy, but then she is not a rat. 
(Dinner bell rings, — Mili. hastily pours.) I'll 
pour in so much. (The other three women seen 
entering — Mili. crosses to extreme right, concealing 
bottle.) Probably more than enough. I wish I 
were sure!" 

(Tony, Juli. and Eliz. go to their 
pails and begin to eat, Elizabeth sitting 
on the ground.) 
Tony. — "Same old Wheat-I-Eat breakfast food, 
same old sugar and cream! Isn't it beastly!" 

Mili (darkly) — "It might be worse!" 

(Stone enters left and stands at back 
gazing at Elizabeth. She rises clasp- 
ing her throat and staggers forward.) 

24 



'■* ■■■> " ■ » ! 



-M « 



Tonp. — "Oh rate! It couldn't." (Mili. 
starts.) 

/u/f. — "Where do you suppose Mr. Stone went 
to?" 

Tony (viciously) — "Anywhere to dodge you, 
Juli. It's disgusting the way you chase the 
man." 

Juli. — "My dear Tony, you yourself — " 
(Elizabeth shrieks and falls in a 
dead faint. Stone catches her with a 
cry.) 

Stone (having laid Elizabeth in Tony's chair) 
— "My love! My life!" 

Tony. (running off right) — "Where's the 
Doctor? We need a stretcher." 

Mill, (to Stone) — "This seems so sudden! 
Have you ever seen her before?" 

Stone. — "No. What need! I'm no modern." 
(He and Juli. fan Elizabeth.) 

Juli. — "Here they come." 

(Enter Dr. W., Tony and Ranisty 
with stretcher.) 

Dr. W. (feeling Elizabeth's pulse) — "Dear, 
dear, how extraordinary! Now, Stone, just lift 
her — " 

Stone. — "I'll take her head — " (They lay 
Eliz. on stretcher and carry her out.) 

Mili. (to Juli.) — The telegraphic man is get- 
ting quite loquacious." 

Juli. — "I wonder if she did it on purpose to 
get him." 

Tony. — "Fudge! She'd never have the nerve. 
She looks as if she was done for!" 

Mili. (aside, following Eliz., etc.) — "I must 
be quite sure that she is out of my path." (Exit.) 

Ranisty. — "Miss Antonia," (follows her to 
extreme left of stage front, Juli. follows them). 

Tony. — "Is that old philosophy again? 
Wouldn't that jar you!" 

Juli. — "Mr. Ranisty — " 

Mr. Ranisty (to Tony) — "It cannot be that 



■M 



an unbridgeable gulf divides us, Miss Antonia. 
Could we but find the gossamer threads of 
sympathy that must bind together our, seemingly 
so distant, shores, we might weave a firm tissue 
of common thought and interest between us." 

Tony. — "All I understand of that jaw seems 
to make me out a spider. None o' your lip, young 
man." 

Ranisty. — "Indeed, you mistook my meaning." 

Juli. — "Please don't upset yourself Mr. 
Ranisty. Tony's manners are quite impossible. 
Let me ask you how you feel about those social 
problems that you have so struggled to solve. Does 
not the whole answer to them seem to you to lie 
in that peculiar magnetism, that intangible, 
wonderful bond, that we call love?" 

Ranisty (inattentive) — "Oh no, — er — yes — 
certainly. I beg your pardon, Miss Tony, that 
was merely a metaphor about gossamer threads." 

Tony. — "A metaphor! Your grandmother! 
Is that Dutch for sass? '« 

Juli. — "Mr. Ranisty, is it possible that you do 
not appreciate — " 

Ranisty (not even hearing her) — "Miss Tony 
— Tony — I beg of you to let me speak. I under- 
stand that I cannot pretend to the vast and varied 
vocabulary that you so deftly wield, — but — " 

Tony. — "Talk plain English then, and if you 
know how, lick your lips and look pleasant." 

Juli. — "Etheldred, — ah, I beg your pardon. 
What a traitor one's tongue can be — " (He pays 
no attention to her.) 

Tony. — "I say, Juli., three's a crowd. Clear 
out!" 

Juli. — "Really, Tony — " (Eliz. has entered 
on Stone's arm, and sits languidly on garden bench 
extreme right.) 

Ranisty (to Juli.) — "You understand, I feel 
sure, that when two souls — " 

Tony. — "If you mention souls, I'll stop my 
ears." 

26 



Ranisty (hastily) — "I — I — not for worlds 
would I allude to them again. It was merely by 
way of elucidation to others — " 

(Juli. turns away disgusted to the 
other two. Stone is standing with 
folded arms* gazing adoringly at 
Elizabeth. Ranisty in dumb show 
goes on talking to Tony, who is 
whittling a stick and half snubs, half 
allows it.) 
Juli. — "I hope you're better, Elizabeth. I 
think, Mr. Stone, you said something this 
morning — M 

Stone (to Eliz.) — "Darling!" 
Eliz. — "I don't understand you. You are so 
abrupt." 

Stone (to Juli, who is about to sit down) — 
"Leave us alone, please." 

Juli. — "Leave! Well I never — ! (moves half 
way down stage, looks at one couple then at the 
other. Shrugs shoulders.) The only other man 
in sight's the Doctor, and I've no more time to 
waste." (Exit hastily right.) 

Eliz. — "I gather no meaning from these 
monosyllabic exclamations." 

Stone. — "I love you. Be mine." 
Eliz. — "I really cannot see that we have much 
in common. Tell me what are the winds that 
blow through your soul." 

(Stone goes on talking and making 
love to Eliz.) 
Tony. — "Gosh, how you do talk." 
Ranisty. — "I would do more than talk, if you 
would permit me." 

Tony. — "I don't believe you can do anything 
else! Gas-bag!" (Ranisty tries to take her 
hand, she slaps him.) 

Ranisty. — "Women have always adored me. 
I do not understand why you alone — ** 
Tony. — "Oh, just for joy!" 

(Ranisty goes on making love.) 

27 



•m 




Eliz. — "Your soul can be but a seedling, hardly 
above ground. I wonder if you even have one. 
I think not. And to me a soul- 
less man would be an impossible 
husband, a leafless tree, a flower- 
less plant. I would have you — 
let me see — a tiger-lily, whereas 
now you are a mere unspiritual 
potato plant." 

Stone. — "Wait then. I've 
hunted everything else. I'll 
.hunt a soul now. I'm an 
Anglo Saxon, I cannot fail." 
(On the other side, Ranisty has tried 
again to take Tony's hand as he 
speaks.) (Dr. W. and Juliette enter 
slowly right and wander to front right 
near to Eliz. and Stone, Juli. hanging 
on his arm and making eyes at him.) 

Ranisty. — "I will prove to you that I am a 

»»» 
... 

Tony (snatching up Eliz.'s pistol and aiming 

it at him) — "Prove it then. (He flinches.) 

Pshaw, fraid-cat! It's not even a real fire arm, 

go and learn something." 

Ranisty. — "I will. For your sake I will go 

and shoot things in the wildest forests. Only in 

the end, sweet affinity of my spirit — " 

Tony. — "Yes, if you'll quit talking!" 

(Ranisty tries to take her in his arms. Tony puts 

the target between herself and Ranisty 

and dodges him. Stone stands with 

folded arms gazing down at Eliz., 

who is shyly gathering a flower which 

she puts in his buttonhole. Mili. enters 

and takes in the whole scene, gets out 

her big bottle of poison from parasol.) 

Tony. — "Fooled again, Reddy!" 

Juli. — "Wheaty-eaty, dearest, you 

know it has always been you in my 

inmost heart." 




ZZS* 



M « 



Stone (to Eliz.) — "Darling — " 

Mili. — "Foiled! (Drinks poison.) I have 
failed! (Flings away bottle.) Death rather 
than a dingy future!" (Staggers to front 
left centre, shrieks and falls. Dr. W. catches 
Mili. and lays her down, others gather round in 
horror. Dr. W. empties the wheelbarrow, he and 
Stone lift Mili. into it and wheel her off, the others 
follow, snatching up their dinner pails.) 

Exeunt Omnes. 



29 



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